Where am I now

All night last night my anxiety pulsed through my body. Sometimes I imagine it like a electric current, riding my brain waves & jumping from limb to limb. It was hard to deal with. Since I’ve come off all anxiety meds I understood it would come back. The strangest part was that I recognized it as a part of me for the first time, ever!  I had been on Zoloft and Paxil, not at the same time but both meds took all anxiety away. Not a single sign of it for a year. On the other hand it made me feel deeply sad. I don’t know why, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew that this was not me, so I came off it. The withdrawal was horrible. Brutal. 

Oh, there you are. Thank god your back, I’ve missed you, sorta – can I honestly allow this anxiety to be a part of how I normally feel? 

I said these things to myself yesterday. Through each sunami wave of electricity that would hit. I’ve gotten so use to this anxiety that it’s the ONLY way I know how to feel. Comfort for me comes with repitition. My anxiety has served me well for a long long time. It has held me accountable, kept my house clean, kept my gym routine on track, kept me able to tell myself the truth – no matter what. I read a quote once it said “you have to embrace who you are”. I repeat this to myself like a mantra on those days when I want out, when I don’t want to feel, shake, cry or even move. I tell myself ’embrace the feeling’. It helps.

This is progress for me. This anxiety I feel. Learning I’ve missed it, I’ve missed myself, and maybe some would say that I should try to learn life without it, but if my anxiety has helped me in many ways, and it’s companion in many ways, maybe now is the time to learn a little more about it. To embrace the thing, that is a large part of who I am as Stephanie. This is where I am. Learning labels don’t matter, that it’s all within us in our bones, who we are. Yesterday I truly realized with a glimmer of hope that it’s the fear in me that keeps me standing still, but if I embrace these things, truths, qualities within me maybe, just maybe I’ll learn to be me. To be ME😊 

With❤️ Steph

Also, the rest of that quote in my picture says ” forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t already learn” ☀️✨ 

When absence means presence

There is this blog that I follow, and she recently posted this title. I couldn’t even believe what I was reading. I swear it was like the univers was reaching out to me and on some deep level I truly do believe this. That we’re all connected to the universe. Sometimes when we ask it for things we recieve Them. This is just one of the many times its responded to me. I’ve been MIA from this blog because I’ve been so present in my own life. Reading to my kids. Getting things done around the yard. Working hard at my job. Staying organized and present with each day. I like this feeling. It kinda feels like I’m getting to know myself better. Some times I hear people say that “people never change”. I just don’t understand this, because I feel like I change so much all the time. Like each new year brings a new something. A new something within me. 

I am starting to understand that just because I don’t necessarily like the things I feel does not mean they are not ok to feel. To be honest, clear and to keep it real here I find being a mother one of my hardest parts yet most meaningful & natural. But this is also ok. Sometimes I find the whole process of being a parent boring. Other times I feel it fills me with pure joy. I also have good days and bad days just in general. Where my life seems repetitive and unrelenting. I’m learning how to deal with all these emotions along with learning that they are ok to feel them. That feeling these things doesn’t make me a piece of crap. But if you can believe it it makes me normal. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. . . 

I grew up always thinking if I just had that, or if I looked like that, or if I was that height. But never looking at my blue eyes and my strawberry blonde hair with a liking, more with a hatred.  I use to imagine going to Fordham University. Getting a fancy degree. But not ever accepting that I had a severe learning disability and that kept me coming back to a thought process that was so negative it would nearly destroy me. Not just with my learning issues but with everything else. I couldn’t accept I was a fair skinned Irish girl who got the gracious gene of a ginger (I’m allowed to call myself that) but rather dying my hair black and wishing I was Italian. I’m not sure where I learned or began to hate myself so much. I know that it happened early on. I learned how to deal with pain way better than happiness. My upbringing wasn’t the worst. But it wasn’t the best. I suffered from a lot of my parents decisions, even as I got older. Always wishing I had gotten something else. Something stable. I’ve never been able to place my finger on the missed our feeling I have. I wish I could figure it all out and poof no more figuring it all out. But something tells me I have to keep navigating my way through my own self. Even if that makes absence seem essential. 

The truth is, all I’ve ever wanted was to not be so different, because even though I might not seem different I am. And I understand we are all different in ways, but I have many many many of those ways. I am so thankful for my writing though. The honesty I feel from it. The blissful heartfelt word pours into paper moments I have are truly life saving to me. I know I can’t change everything about me, I know my eyes will stay blue and my teeth not perfect, but I can try to recognize my past and not live there anymore. I read recently that “we are well advised to stay on nodding terms with our old selves other wise they come banging on the minds door at 4 am demanding to know who abandoned them”. I’ve never heard something more clearly. This absence of mine found presence in this meaning, when ever I see myself looking through that little ginger girls eyes I smile at her now. Let her know it’s ok. Your ok kiddo. 

With love as always -Steph