Normal.

I like to consider myself a student of life. I’m not sure if that is because I wasn’t a good text book student. Or if it’s because I’m always astonished by life’s breathless beauty. The student part of me has decided that I really needed to open myself up. I hate to be vague here, but I have to be for my family & people who might not “like” this, things for me haven’t been on lately. Even though I might look completely ‘normal’ I’m so not. I don’t want to lie here. Or to anyone. So I’m saying that things have been brutally, incomprehensible to me recently. I read in Eat Pray Love that sometimes “we veer off the path so far it’s hard to noticed when it started”. Needless to say – I fell madly in love with this. Because it TRUE! I tend to chronically fall off the path, always needing major signs telling me to go back!!! I wonder if it’s because I fight my way back only to become lax in my ability to sustain my own self worth. To reach outside of myself. I tend to be selfish in that also. Me me me. But recently in my newest endeavor to be a student of life and my own feelings, there truly is NO normal. There are categories and judgements. Criteria if we shall, but normal, nah fuck that. Everyone has something! Trust me on this. Regardless if it is how they use to be or how they are now. Hidden or obvious. People are pretty resilient in there fights. Life is no fairy tale even if we have periods of sustainment. Everything is impermeable and I suppose you just have to find space for it. Someone I cherish said “it’s like a filing cabinet. Go over the issue or annoyment over and over / feel it/ really know why it bothers you/ why it comes up/ how you feel about the you in it/ and place it back into the filing cabinet.” The key is that it won’t stop reoccurring, but when it does it doesn’t destroy us anymore. It won’t ravage our homes and rob us of our valuables. This process can be long & messy. But with the right help, beautiful and an end to suffering. In my quest to understand some shitty shit lately I’ve realized something I’ve known all along , I’m stronger than I think. But I know how strong I am.  It gives me peace to know normal isn’t anywhere. That stigma is such uneducated, scaredy-cat bullshit. Life has no easy simple balance. It’s just feelings after feelings, day after day, and although feelings aren’t facts, who’s to say we don’t 90% follow our feelings. So my loves, remember no such thing is normal. If you think so look at the picture above and know, wherever you are I’m over here. It might not be the same struggle, but I’m not ok right now, I’m alive and healthy but hurting. So my saving grace is that you keep fighting for yourself. Because we are so worth it my lovelys ❤️

With love as always , Stef