What if?

Last Saturday we took this picture on our annual trip to the city to see the tree. Both kiddos have birthdays this month. It’s a big month! 

When I first found out I was pregnant one of the many thoughts I had was that I hope he won’t suffer from anxiety. I spoke to my guy about this, he would softly say he understood and that he agreed. Not because I’m a horrible human being, but because of how hard it is to have. This conversation eerily haunts us lately as we’ve began to see a counselor for our son. Who seems to be suffering from anxiety attacks. 

I’m certain some people who will read this probably won’t believe in anxiety. To that I say and there is no such thing as life! It’s hereditary, almost all of my mothers family suffers from it, a few do not. When I say anxiety I do not mean it’s just some worry but a huge exaggeration of a fear. A physiological response to a thought that triggers these responses. I believe it’s neurological. But not just that, I have it so I know it. 

You always want to prepare for things. Not always but sometimes I think ‘if I only new’ and with my son I do know. I do know the feeling, the dread, the stigma, the sadness, the future pain, the energy it consumes. When I look ahead and I see this for him I don’t know where to go with it. How can I help him? Can I change this for him? How can I explain to him that this is going to be hard and even though it seems unbearable someday you’ll see that it makes you unremarkable. How do you tell a seven year old that this probably won’t go away and you’ll struggle so hard with how it makes you feel so different, but in the same breath can push you to use it to your advantage? When your small baby says you ‘you don’t know what this feels like’ how do you say yes I do & it came from me, along with your freckles and light hair. 

It hurts so bad. To know the future, even if it’s not going to be 💯 the same, it will mirror someway.

 My hope to you sweet boy is that you let guide you rather than over power you. That you use your worry towards school and love. That you are not different but sensitive to do so much. Though that can be hard, it will eventually be beautiful – if you allow it to. Greet it with kindness when it comes. Don’t like the door and hide. Take care of yourself no matter what. Let people know because others struggle to. That it’s not the end but the beginning. Believe in yourself sweet boy. I know who you are and your future is bright and filled with life, light and love ❤️.  I Christopher will always be here when your not sure, when you are sure and always. You can tell me anything, I will not judge you. You are a piece of my soul, my heart and of who I am as a human being. I love you so much that I can’t reach… 😉 you know what that means. 

With love, mommy 💕

Holidays.

I truly couldn’t tell you what it is about the holidays but they always make me nastolgic and reflective and well broke. Ha! The new year is approaching and so much has come and gone. Something about all the bright lights hanging from people’s homes brings such joy. The way everyone seems a little lighter, kinder, funnier, and how the warmth of the glows from their windows brings peace. Even how dark it gets out so early here in New York helps me to take a step back and relax. It all brings me to my family. The unmistakeable stunning family I’ve created – the big beautiful Irish one I come from – and these two people photographed above. My parents. I love each aspect of my family life. This ground never waivers. Family first. Always. 

My parents weren’t married long enough for me to have any memories of them together. But I got to know them individually very well through the years. No one knows their mom like two little girls being raised by a twenty something milf. But now, right on this day I have so much of them within me. I always said I would never be like this or that , in some ways I’ve done that but in others not so much. As a parent my love and respect for them has reached levels of great height.

It wasn’t ‘the norm ‘ life we had. I didn’t have many friends who were divorcée children. But it was alright because I didn’t know anything different to be honest. But in both of them I found so much I love. Deeply adored. They were great at the separation, despite the separation itself I wasn’t effected by fighting or court battles. Thank god❤️  I guess what really happens is they don’t have a significant other to lean on, no one to do the homework when they are tired, no one else to feed you when they have the flu. It’s just them. From their personal happiness and triumphs and loss and grief I learned to emotionally understand people quickly and well. I was a deep kid and still am a deep woman. I can rearrange furniture like I’m super woman, I can hang pictures, drive stick, clean, iron and fold laundry and throw some good punches. But I learned early in to take care of myself emotionally. To love deeply and kindly. I understood that life has no promises. That things will be hard and you’ll get through. That you can be there for your parents through things you didn’t even know where happening. My parents though they weren’t perfect, we’re perfectly mine. Perfectly beautiful and gave me life. They taught me so much more than they know they did. My mom taught me to love to write and read. My father taught to me to be brave, to forgive and to love airplanes (not riding them) but the ability to fly. When I look at this picture it makes me want to cry for so many reasons. Happy and sad. But they are such amazing human beings. This picture is happiness. In this moment together before my sister and I they were happy. And today we are all happy. Maybe not in the same way – but happy regardless. I came from that happiness. 

So happy holidays my loves, Stephie 

Just ok.

Fall is here and it brings such a peaceful feeling with it. It’s like time slows down for me, I get to relax hang out on sundays in my pajamas with my messy haired kiddos 🙂 Sound pretty brilliant to me. It’s been so long since I’ve written on here. I’m not sure why this is, maybe because we all need time to just be. Or maybe the words just wouldn’t come. Maybe because I find this a place of comfort but I’ve been feeling so much comfort lately. Maybe it’s a little bit of all of those things. 

Everything has changed in my life, yet everything is the same. Our son lost both top teeth and bottom teeth. He’s about to be 7 & is smart as a whip. Flying through school with amazing colors. Our daughter has grown so much this past year. She’s busy and thoughtful. Loves her daddy so much. I got a new job that I love. Left a job that I was at for almost 11 years, it was very difficult, but I trusted my heart. I’ve been blasted with doctor visits due to a lymes illness. So they think! Even the seasons have changed. But I feel so lucky these days. So greatful for so much. It’s a blessing to watch these two kids grow into these two people I’m in owe of everyday. And my marriage it’s so full of love and happiness these days. Of understanding and pure enjoyment. Sometimes I worry I’ll lose it all. But I assume that’s my anxiety. And I try to take a deep breath and just remember how short life is. How so may people have opinions and that’s ok. How I’m allowed to be me. To allow life to be the way it is instead of controlling it. I try to focus on the blue fall sky, how truly amazing that color is and what kind of magic could have created it. We’re making bacon and pancakes this morning, drinking my umpteenth cup of coffee and just enjoying all the love I’m surrounded by today. I’m truly greatful! Hope your day is as wonderful as mine has begun ❤️

With love ❤️Stephie

My name is Stephanie and…

I have a debilitating anxiety disorder. People ask me to explain it all the time but words don’t do it justice. When I was a young kid I use to just think I was crazy or different. It wasn’t until in my adulthood and had a severe panic did I find out I had GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) with that comes it’s best friend PD (panic disorder). Sweet right? So let’s get real here, I’ve been going through an episode of panic attacks. So basically every day multiple times a day my brain releases Adrenaline – over and over and over and over and well you understand! It’s so brutally hard and time consuming to live through this everyday for as long as it takes for it to stop. It does stop eventually. My attacks are usually throughout the day, my house is my safe zone as long as my husband is home. Work is also a safe zone for me. It’s like someone who just lost a person so dear to them, they look normal there is no wound or disease eating away their body, but you know they are full of fear, sadness, loss, panic and restlessness. But yet they just go.. 

I had an unusual couple days, some anxiety attacks were sneaking up on me here and there. But I had this and I was able to shake it off until this past Tuesday where I hyperventilated to the point where I layed flat out on my front steps because I was a moment from passing out. Now, this doesn’t happen to me a lot. I get a zap and I deal with it. I live with it. But this where I feel like my head is about to explode with racing thoughts or that I can’t breathe and my adrenaline just won’t stop pumping out its beats like we’re at the Jersey Shore. That’s no bullshit. This attack shook me so terribly. I wake up shaking, adrenaline shooting down my arms, leaving me unable to stop moving during the day and crying hysterically because it’s so damn hard to have no control. It’s a true serotonin imbalance. It comes and it goes. I never know when, why or how. It just does. This disorder runs in my family. So no wonder I was blessed with it. It’s debilitating. It leaves you with a feeling of loss of your former self. It leaves you with fear over every weird feeling you get. It leaves you with depersonalization. Look that word up. When I had my first full blown balls to the wall panic attack. I thought I lost my mind. I felt like I was living in s dream for months. Now looking back I wish I took the meds ie Zoloft Paxil or lexapro because I probably wouldn’t have suffered for so long. I was sleeping on a blow up mattress in my parents room, terrified I’d lost my mind and sure that another one would hit at anytime. I went to a therapist. She really helped me to cope and to understand. My anxiety comes out in an obsessive way. I’ll obsessive or a fear I have until I can’t stand to be in my own skin. She truly helped me through so so much of it. During this time I couldn’t drive anywhere alone. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t think. After the first attack I think it’s important to start on a low dose of Xanax four times a day while some other ssri is given to you to help the serotonin. All under s doctors orders. But I wanted to give a shout out to my fellow suffering anxiety people’s. It’s not going to kill you, no matter what it is over, no thought is final, move a muscle change a thought, cry, and I’m here to tell you I’ve had numerous episodes and I make it out of all of them, changed always but not jaded. I will not let this ruin my life. I have to much to see. So screw you mr seratonin. Take some medication, get over the hump of the paralyzingly real adrenaline blasts. They’ll stop quickly, see a therapist. You’ll be ok. And know that whoever you are I love you! And I’m here. Going through my episode right now knowing your somewhere doing the same. I’ve got your back. 

#fuanxiety 

❤️ as always Stephie

What’s real.

Tricky. Tricky is the word that best describes myself these days. I trick myself into all kinds of different things. Things I want to believe, things I want to have or feel. I had some pure and simple moments in the past couple months. These moments weren’t tricky. They were calm and peaceful. Something in the summer time with my two kiddos brings me this total peace. The way the warm air wraps you like a blanket. How the firefly’s are like magic. The sound of my daughter squealing as she takes a nighttime swim with her daddy. It’s these things that are not tricky. These are the moments in my life I see so clearly now. The free joy in them all. I read recently that we should stay on nodding terms with our former selves. I can relate to this, because this is where the tricky part comes in. There is a pull to the “easier” side of us, the side that has repeatedly done the same thing over and over, we are by nature repitisous. Even when we know fully (to fully) that it doesn’t work anymore. So when that small voice breaks the silence within you, you have to listen to it. This is where I am, I’m growing I guess. But the pull, tricky and intriguing yet baffling, maybe it’s to know it’ll always be there. To walk with it. Rather than to run from it. What’s real for me, today, is the voice inside me. I hear it. I’m going to follow it. Because something tells me deeply that a part of me I don’t know yet is waiting for me. That’s what’s real. 

❤️ always, Stephie 

Come again, and again

Today is July 5th. I sit sipping coffee looking at both my morning clad babies with completeness. My man and I went away for the weekend to Jersey with some family and friends. It was nice to change scenery but not the best for me. Without knowing how else to say it I got a little to drunk. And I’m upset with myself for this. Laying on the beach, no kiddos to supervise, having some beer and some more. The thing is, is that I know better than to think that’s how I need to relax. I’ve learned that lately. So why not listen to myself? Maybe it’s because I though I was changed, or hoped as much. Or maybe it was I didn’t care, or maybe it was these and other reasons. I can’t pin point it, but all I know is this quote that I love from Rumi “come, come whoever you are, wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving. It doesn’t matter, ours is not a caravan of despair. Come. Even if you’ve broken your vows a thousand time. Come. Yet again. Come. Come.” Love this. The beauty of life is that we can always start new. Each day brings a new dawn, a chance to do it right. I don’t want to not feel. I don’t want to lose memories from booze. Even though some of these past few month have been filled with raw edges and battered moments, I want to navigate it. Truly! So today I come. Yet again. 

With love as always 

Stephanie. 

This part. 

I’ve been so busy lately, but in a good way. The days are blurring together like a wet painting. They have been filled with love and laughter. Some days there are harder, muddier moments but still beautiful. I love how I’ve become such an easy spirit lately. I’m trying to actively think differently and navigate my stressors with open eyes. It’s helping – it’s not easy but it’s helping. 

Some days I get caught in the ‘negative banter’ of my mind, but it will kick back at me like an atm receipt with things like ‘gratitude list’ or ‘that won’t make you feel better’. It’s kind of like I’m silently stealing myself back😍 Although work has been so difficult that it causes my anxiety to escalate to its highest level, I’m able to tell myself the truth. I do my best, it’s all I’ve got. If I’m being lazy, I’m honest with myself about that also. I feel so connected to my kids (even when I’m freaking out about there mess), and to my husband because we’ve navigated through some rough turbulence recently. It feels so good today to just be alive and well. To have a job. To have healthy (messy) kids. I love these peaceful times. I’m full of life today.  Happy to be who I am today. I don’t know about tomorrow, but today, today I am happy. 

With love as always 

Stephie ❣

Where am I now

All night last night my anxiety pulsed through my body. Sometimes I imagine it like a electric current, riding my brain waves & jumping from limb to limb. It was hard to deal with. Since I’ve come off all anxiety meds I understood it would come back. The strangest part was that I recognized it as a part of me for the first time, ever!  I had been on Zoloft and Paxil, not at the same time but both meds took all anxiety away. Not a single sign of it for a year. On the other hand it made me feel deeply sad. I don’t know why, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew that this was not me, so I came off it. The withdrawal was horrible. Brutal. 

Oh, there you are. Thank god your back, I’ve missed you, sorta – can I honestly allow this anxiety to be a part of how I normally feel? 

I said these things to myself yesterday. Through each sunami wave of electricity that would hit. I’ve gotten so use to this anxiety that it’s the ONLY way I know how to feel. Comfort for me comes with repitition. My anxiety has served me well for a long long time. It has held me accountable, kept my house clean, kept my gym routine on track, kept me able to tell myself the truth – no matter what. I read a quote once it said “you have to embrace who you are”. I repeat this to myself like a mantra on those days when I want out, when I don’t want to feel, shake, cry or even move. I tell myself ’embrace the feeling’. It helps.

This is progress for me. This anxiety I feel. Learning I’ve missed it, I’ve missed myself, and maybe some would say that I should try to learn life without it, but if my anxiety has helped me in many ways, and it’s companion in many ways, maybe now is the time to learn a little more about it. To embrace the thing, that is a large part of who I am as Stephanie. This is where I am. Learning labels don’t matter, that it’s all within us in our bones, who we are. Yesterday I truly realized with a glimmer of hope that it’s the fear in me that keeps me standing still, but if I embrace these things, truths, qualities within me maybe, just maybe I’ll learn to be me. To be ME😊 

With❤️ Steph

Also, the rest of that quote in my picture says ” forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t already learn” ☀️✨ 

When absence means presence

There is this blog that I follow, and she recently posted this title. I couldn’t even believe what I was reading. I swear it was like the univers was reaching out to me and on some deep level I truly do believe this. That we’re all connected to the universe. Sometimes when we ask it for things we recieve Them. This is just one of the many times its responded to me. I’ve been MIA from this blog because I’ve been so present in my own life. Reading to my kids. Getting things done around the yard. Working hard at my job. Staying organized and present with each day. I like this feeling. It kinda feels like I’m getting to know myself better. Some times I hear people say that “people never change”. I just don’t understand this, because I feel like I change so much all the time. Like each new year brings a new something. A new something within me. 

I am starting to understand that just because I don’t necessarily like the things I feel does not mean they are not ok to feel. To be honest, clear and to keep it real here I find being a mother one of my hardest parts yet most meaningful & natural. But this is also ok. Sometimes I find the whole process of being a parent boring. Other times I feel it fills me with pure joy. I also have good days and bad days just in general. Where my life seems repetitive and unrelenting. I’m learning how to deal with all these emotions along with learning that they are ok to feel them. That feeling these things doesn’t make me a piece of crap. But if you can believe it it makes me normal. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. . . 

I grew up always thinking if I just had that, or if I looked like that, or if I was that height. But never looking at my blue eyes and my strawberry blonde hair with a liking, more with a hatred.  I use to imagine going to Fordham University. Getting a fancy degree. But not ever accepting that I had a severe learning disability and that kept me coming back to a thought process that was so negative it would nearly destroy me. Not just with my learning issues but with everything else. I couldn’t accept I was a fair skinned Irish girl who got the gracious gene of a ginger (I’m allowed to call myself that) but rather dying my hair black and wishing I was Italian. I’m not sure where I learned or began to hate myself so much. I know that it happened early on. I learned how to deal with pain way better than happiness. My upbringing wasn’t the worst. But it wasn’t the best. I suffered from a lot of my parents decisions, even as I got older. Always wishing I had gotten something else. Something stable. I’ve never been able to place my finger on the missed our feeling I have. I wish I could figure it all out and poof no more figuring it all out. But something tells me I have to keep navigating my way through my own self. Even if that makes absence seem essential. 

The truth is, all I’ve ever wanted was to not be so different, because even though I might not seem different I am. And I understand we are all different in ways, but I have many many many of those ways. I am so thankful for my writing though. The honesty I feel from it. The blissful heartfelt word pours into paper moments I have are truly life saving to me. I know I can’t change everything about me, I know my eyes will stay blue and my teeth not perfect, but I can try to recognize my past and not live there anymore. I read recently that “we are well advised to stay on nodding terms with our old selves other wise they come banging on the minds door at 4 am demanding to know who abandoned them”. I’ve never heard something more clearly. This absence of mine found presence in this meaning, when ever I see myself looking through that little ginger girls eyes I smile at her now. Let her know it’s ok. Your ok kiddo. 

With love as always -Steph

Normal.

I like to consider myself a student of life. I’m not sure if that is because I wasn’t a good text book student. Or if it’s because I’m always astonished by life’s breathless beauty. The student part of me has decided that I really needed to open myself up. I hate to be vague here, but I have to be for my family & people who might not “like” this, things for me haven’t been on lately. Even though I might look completely ‘normal’ I’m so not. I don’t want to lie here. Or to anyone. So I’m saying that things have been brutally, incomprehensible to me recently. I read in Eat Pray Love that sometimes “we veer off the path so far it’s hard to noticed when it started”. Needless to say – I fell madly in love with this. Because it TRUE! I tend to chronically fall off the path, always needing major signs telling me to go back!!! I wonder if it’s because I fight my way back only to become lax in my ability to sustain my own self worth. To reach outside of myself. I tend to be selfish in that also. Me me me. But recently in my newest endeavor to be a student of life and my own feelings, there truly is NO normal. There are categories and judgements. Criteria if we shall, but normal, nah fuck that. Everyone has something! Trust me on this. Regardless if it is how they use to be or how they are now. Hidden or obvious. People are pretty resilient in there fights. Life is no fairy tale even if we have periods of sustainment. Everything is impermeable and I suppose you just have to find space for it. Someone I cherish said “it’s like a filing cabinet. Go over the issue or annoyment over and over / feel it/ really know why it bothers you/ why it comes up/ how you feel about the you in it/ and place it back into the filing cabinet.” The key is that it won’t stop reoccurring, but when it does it doesn’t destroy us anymore. It won’t ravage our homes and rob us of our valuables. This process can be long & messy. But with the right help, beautiful and an end to suffering. In my quest to understand some shitty shit lately I’ve realized something I’ve known all along , I’m stronger than I think. But I know how strong I am.  It gives me peace to know normal isn’t anywhere. That stigma is such uneducated, scaredy-cat bullshit. Life has no easy simple balance. It’s just feelings after feelings, day after day, and although feelings aren’t facts, who’s to say we don’t 90% follow our feelings. So my loves, remember no such thing is normal. If you think so look at the picture above and know, wherever you are I’m over here. It might not be the same struggle, but I’m not ok right now, I’m alive and healthy but hurting. So my saving grace is that you keep fighting for yourself. Because we are so worth it my lovelys ❤️

With love as always , Stef