Fall is here and it brings such a peaceful feeling with it. It’s like time slows down for me, I get to relax hang out on sundays in my pajamas with my messy haired kiddos 🙂 Sound pretty brilliant to me. It’s been so long since I’ve written on here. I’m not sure why this is, maybe because we all need time to just be. Or maybe the words just wouldn’t come. Maybe because I find this a place of comfort but I’ve been feeling so much comfort lately. Maybe it’s a little bit of all of those things.
Everything has changed in my life, yet everything is the same. Our son lost both top teeth and bottom teeth. He’s about to be 7 & is smart as a whip. Flying through school with amazing colors. Our daughter has grown so much this past year. She’s busy and thoughtful. Loves her daddy so much. I got a new job that I love. Left a job that I was at for almost 11 years, it was very difficult, but I trusted my heart. I’ve been blasted with doctor visits due to a lymes illness. So they think! Even the seasons have changed. But I feel so lucky these days. So greatful for so much. It’s a blessing to watch these two kids grow into these two people I’m in owe of everyday. And my marriage it’s so full of love and happiness these days. Of understanding and pure enjoyment. Sometimes I worry I’ll lose it all. But I assume that’s my anxiety. And I try to take a deep breath and just remember how short life is. How so may people have opinions and that’s ok. How I’m allowed to be me. To allow life to be the way it is instead of controlling it. I try to focus on the blue fall sky, how truly amazing that color is and what kind of magic could have created it. We’re making bacon and pancakes this morning, drinking my umpteenth cup of coffee and just enjoying all the love I’m surrounded by today. I’m truly greatful! Hope your day is as wonderful as mine has begun ❤️
With love ❤️Stephie
Today my husband & I took out two rambunctious kiddos out to eat at a local diner. We were all breathless & exhausted from telling them to sit, to lower their voices and say please & thank you when a tall skinny man with a belly so large it just couldn’t possibly belong to his face that was so incredibly frail and shrunken in. I stopped mid ‘child complaint’ and new, this man was facing a life threatening illness. My heart shrunk to the size of a pea for being such an ungrateful ass. I’m not sure what it was about this man, but I stared and when we would catch eyes I would shyly look away, because we both new why I was continuing to steal glances of him. My feelings caught me off guard because I’ve held people while they have died. I have known people for years before they die and have ‘wrapped’ the body after they do die. I wanted to go talk to this man, I wanted to know if he’s gone to grief counseling, I wanted to know what type of disease he had and if they’d exhausted all the options. I wanted to hug him like I have so many others who have had that deeply scared and earth moving look on their faces. Instead I watched, as his healthy wife and daughter chatted and he just looked out into the air. Surveying the room. Like he was picking things he might miss and in other moments he looked like he wasn’t even in that seat in this diner. He had big blue eyes and a long nose. Probably was a very handsome and strong man at one time. 
Do you give a shit what people think about you? I mean I understand that we can’t tell people to go screw off whenever we want to. I know we have to listen to some authority, and pay close attention to the people we love s feelings, but how about all the other souls of the world? I think for so long I have tried to make people like me, I have legitimately wondered if they like me or not. I don’t know though. It’s not like planes will fall out of the sky or the biggest earthquake will hit. So what’s the prob, Stephanie? It comes down to the value I have for myself. That’s the truth. It’s going to have to be 50/50 I tell myself, but I have this problem where I get stuck in the quick sand called.. Are you ready for this.. “Stephies shit” ! Ha. I know we all have our own shit. But somewhere along the way recently I noticed that I really let go of my value. I under priced this baby. See, to keep everyone else happy means to keep yourself unhappy. And, you might , ok who doesn’t know this, but for me I tell myself over and over but I don’t listen. Until today & more recently. I kinda like myself. The quirky, loner, reader, writer me. Being who we are is a privilege. Allowing Ourself to be that person is well a beautiful thing. I can’t say that I have days where the bully inside me comes out and beats the shit of me, but I just CANT allow anyone else to do that. And although I know everyone won’t like me, I still try my damn hardest to be as kind and as understanding as humanly possible. But who really gives a shit? I’m not the same past person, and I won’t be the same tomorrow. But since I’m blogging my little heart out and laying my shit so bare lately I guess what I’m writing is that I don’t care anymore. It’s all about what’s inside us. What we dream. What we talk. What energy we spread. It’s not my long hair. New shoes. Or anything else material. It’s US. What we spread and give back every single day. I’m turning the page today. Chapter 1: Who really gives a shit. Happy Friday my friends.
Saturday morning I woke as a 32 year old. First day of my life as a 32 year old. I can’t figure it out as to why, but my thirty’s have really brought on some curve balls. If you will. Decisions in my career, in my personal life, in my family, in my health, in my family’s health I could go on and on. But I won’t because I am trying to say something here. I think what I am learning is that it’s not the over until it’s over. So why worry so much about it being over. I’m tired of being so worried and afraid all the time. Tired of feeling the need to be perfect I guess. Because I am not perfect and I am just simply ; ME! Whatever that is, the writer, reader, mother, friend, daughter , wife , nurse , gym junkie, sun junkie, coffee affair having – just Stephanie.. I am not sure how to follow the road of my life and balance all these other things I need to be. It’s not that I mind these other things, I just mind the spazzy me that’s trying to find the balance. When I turned thirty I was working the 3-11:30 shift and being attacked by a 6ft 100lb man who was slowly losing his mind (he was naked too) – but that’s right where I wanted to be the day I entered my 30’s. Where my comfort was, devoured in what I know am passionate and great at. I embraced it, hoping my 30’s would bring more comfort and embracing of who I am at my core. It has but yet it’s also stopped me in my tracks, left me bare with true reality that – I’m not getting any younger! That I’ve been waiting for my life to have deep meaning , but it already does. IT ALREADY DOES. Even if I tell myself that over and over it will sometimes slip away from me and I’ll have to reach out for that knowledge that my life is already very meaningful. Happiness is work. Sacrifice. And just plain ok to be happy. It’s good to do work on oneself but it’s not good to always think your not good enough. Because we are. So on my 32 birthday, I flew to FL with my family, with a new outlook on my marriage, new outlook on my habits and myself. So to today, tomorrow and right now, let’s make it a good one. Happy birthday to me!
Doesn't she know this by thirty 