Where am I now

All night last night my anxiety pulsed through my body. Sometimes I imagine it like a electric current, riding my brain waves & jumping from limb to limb. It was hard to deal with. Since I’ve come off all anxiety meds I understood it would come back. The strangest part was that I recognized it as a part of me for the first time, ever!  I had been on Zoloft and Paxil, not at the same time but both meds took all anxiety away. Not a single sign of it for a year. On the other hand it made me feel deeply sad. I don’t know why, I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I knew that this was not me, so I came off it. The withdrawal was horrible. Brutal. 

Oh, there you are. Thank god your back, I’ve missed you, sorta – can I honestly allow this anxiety to be a part of how I normally feel? 

I said these things to myself yesterday. Through each sunami wave of electricity that would hit. I’ve gotten so use to this anxiety that it’s the ONLY way I know how to feel. Comfort for me comes with repitition. My anxiety has served me well for a long long time. It has held me accountable, kept my house clean, kept my gym routine on track, kept me able to tell myself the truth – no matter what. I read a quote once it said “you have to embrace who you are”. I repeat this to myself like a mantra on those days when I want out, when I don’t want to feel, shake, cry or even move. I tell myself ’embrace the feeling’. It helps.

This is progress for me. This anxiety I feel. Learning I’ve missed it, I’ve missed myself, and maybe some would say that I should try to learn life without it, but if my anxiety has helped me in many ways, and it’s companion in many ways, maybe now is the time to learn a little more about it. To embrace the thing, that is a large part of who I am as Stephanie. This is where I am. Learning labels don’t matter, that it’s all within us in our bones, who we are. Yesterday I truly realized with a glimmer of hope that it’s the fear in me that keeps me standing still, but if I embrace these things, truths, qualities within me maybe, just maybe I’ll learn to be me. To be ME😊 

With❤️ Steph

Also, the rest of that quote in my picture says ” forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t already learn” ☀️✨